EN version by Uncle Google. I shall rewrite it once I feel less happy than I am at the moment
– too many tears in my eyes, sorry.
This is by all means the most important “article” in my life and the whole “career”. Don’t read – quite long and in the category “Super Private / Hyper Personal”. I write to four people: three girls and one guy. But I have to do it publicly … Why? I don’t know – I don’t know today. I know I have to do it that way. It is also part of a whole bunch of things that I had in my subconscious mind, and for several weeks I understand thanks to … Kot. Felis catus.
A few days ago, Mouse, like a Mouse, instead of writing a word about what she was doing, she threw a line of what she was listening to on FB. Grechuta. At that moment, I was able to verbalize something that I had known for a long time. At least since 2000, I’m quite emotionally mature. I felt what was devilishly important in every love. Maybe the most important thing. But I didn’t understand, I couldn’t even name it. When “my” beloved Kasia in the first decade of this century
listened to Queen, Dżem and other bands
I didn’t like them much – when she watched Dr. House, whom I couldn’t digest for loneliness for half a minute – I listened with pleasure, although I didn’t understand why. When the Mouse Hunt after 2010 began to create its own world, mine left and I was in a void, every sign, gesture, word of it – I enjoyed it. I still didn’t know why. I was mature, though I still didn’t know. Just like with Iza? No, things were worse in the 1990s. I was a young, supposedly promising journalist. And also, I trust, a tender, caring guy, but also
I admit that today I remember few things that Iza liked, which gave her pleasure, gave small, everyday joys. I could not observe, I could not think that silently dressing my face in sadness – Iza also wants to tell me something. He believes that I will understand, waiting for me to understand.
After 2000 it was better, but still far away. I was fully aware that Kasia wants to tell me something when she is angry, something more than the content of the words she says, because these thoughts could hurt. I still couldn’t watch. Until almost today, until the beginning of September, when – terrified of the Cat’s behavior, full of fear that something was wrong with him – I began to observe him. It is getting more urgent day by day. Two weeks were enough for me to see, see, understand, name and verbalize.
In 14 days, the cat taught me something
what life could not explain to me for 60 years, what Mother could not tell me or did not manage to tell me, I stopped listening to good advice when I was 11, half an century ago. When the Mouse sent me another line, I scratched my balding head and thought: Grab this line, think about it, your daughter wants to tell you something.
Zakumałem. When the Mouse sends me Grechuta, and the Young – another product in 3D, both of them in their own way, in a way appropriate for people with two crosses at the nape of the neck, they tell me that they love me. They’ve been telling me this for years, and I didn’t understand, I despaired that I was losing them, that I was completely alone, only with cats. Gizmo left in 2014, a year later, during my therapy with Reni and Zbyszek, Canon fell victim to his own curiosity about the world, paying with his life. Nikon remained, henceforth watching how I fall, disappear from the real world and move into a virtual one, I can not sleep, eat, I am actually dead, only with the obituary obituary.
At the end of 2018, I had to move from Kabat to Mother, who already needed 24 × 24 & 7 × 7 constant care. At the turn of June and July my lumbar vertebral body got damned and my mother, despite all my determination, ended up where I spent a few months in 1982. In Białołęka, at Felicjanek. Probably forever, because I will never be able to bear it again. I got into lethargy. For almost a week I lay or sat motionless, not eating, not smoking, barely drinking something. And then I sat at the computer and the average smoking rate jumped
from 45 to 55 pipes a day
As if all this was not enough, the cat began to lament not several times a day, but non-stop. In the second half of August, it stabilized at the daily alert level. Three minutes of meowing and nervous running, five minutes of rest, another alarm – all the time, well over 100 times a day. I couldn’t accept the idea that he was sick, his appetite was ok, he murmured, etc. – but I had no idea what was going on. All I knew was that I had enough of it.
In September I sought help on Twitter. Thanks to one of my reliable friends (Tomek, correct me from 1980) I got a diagnosis at a distance. The wise veterinarian said that the cat was clearly terrified … me. He leads me over and over to my own bed because he wants me to live and so sleep.
I started observing. Nikon was still restless, although the alarm raised 20, not 200x a day. After a few days I noticed that most often he runs nervously between the kitchen, the exit door and the shopping trolley, and as soon as I open the fridge, he pushes and climbs on every shelf. His cans and the leftover of my kefir were in the fridge, nothing more. When kefir was over, Nikon lamented for half an hour as in August. I decided that nobody had to know that I was listening to the Cat. I went shopping, came back exhausted, fell down at the computer.
Nikon sniffed the laced stroller and lifted the wail again. When I rested, I unpacked the cart. The cat looked at everything I have in my hand, what I hide in the fridge. When I finished, he treaded onto the bed and fell asleep more peacefully than ever this year. He decided that my life was not in danger at the moment. And I understood what the cat, the world, Iza, Kasia, friends – have been trying to tell me since I can remember:
Look and listen. Try to understand. Try, err, try again.
As long as I know this, I understand who I was and who I am today. Happy, beloved, toothless dementia. Tears in the eyes. Tears of happiness.
Izaczek, Kasiczek, I’m sorry
Mouse, Nikon, thanks
For being here.
I will finish this text. Maybe today, maybe in a week. Only ending is missing. I publish so as not to change my mind when I get stupid again.